Time to laugh

Security and privacy are very serious matters. All the more reason to make time for some laughter and humor as well. Below you will find a collection of jokes and funny quotes I collected over the years.

Feel free to contribute your own via our contact form, and we will add them.

Wherever possible the quotes and jokes are attributed to (what we understood to be) their original authors. However, many of these go around without in any information about their author or origin. So let us know if any corrections and amendments are needed.

Categories:

Password

Password related jokes collected by @securitythisway
  Tweet This!

Your password must contain an upper case character, an antagonist character, a plot and a surprising ending.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

— Nick Helm, at the Edinburgh Fringe, 2011

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHuey
LouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
Sacramento”

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital

[please enter password]
ilovedogs
[password must contain at least one capital and one number]
ilovefivedogsinparis

[enter password]
SuperMan

[password not strong enough]
WonderWoman

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats), 2017

[Me]: Enters password several times
[Computer]: wrong – wrong – wrong  –

[Me]: Resets password
[Computer]: new password cannot be your old password

[Me]: Throws computer out of the window

[Computer]: This password is too weak:
[Me]: I don’t care, I want this password

I changed my password to “again”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Please try again”

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

[Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired – you must register a new one]
roses

[Sorry, too few characters]
pretty roses

[Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character]
1 pretty rose

[Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces]
1prettyrose

[Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters]
1fuckingprettyrose

[Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character]
1FUCKINGprettyrose

[Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively]
1FuckingPrettyRose

[Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters]
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUp
YourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccess
RightFuckingNow!

[Sorry, you cannot use punctuation]
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUp
YourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccess
RightFuckingNow

[Sorry, that password is already in use]


— cartoon by Randall Munroe xkcd.com

Privacy

Privacy related jokes collected by @securitythisway
  Tweet This!

Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: “Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?”

[Internet]: You looked up or bought a watch
[Me]: Yeah, it’s-
[Internet]: You might want this watch
[Me]: No I already-
[Internet]: Only watches for you, forevermore

What is privacy?

[Prihy-vuh-see, Brit:  also Priv-uh-see]
noun, plural: pri•va•cies.
1. something we don’t have anymore in the future
2. …

[Q]: How many privacy consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
[A]: Don’t know. We never get past the privacy impact assessment.

— Constantine Karbaliotis, 2011

On the Internet you can only remain nameless if your name is Anonymous


– cartoon by Randall Munroe xkcd.com

Cyber Security

Cyber security related jokes collected by @securitythisway
  Tweet This!

Look … I really don’t care whether Russia hacked the US presidential election. I’ve got 99 cyber problems and Putin ain’t one of them.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to phish and he’ll use your credit card to pay for dinner.

99 little bugs in the code
99 little bugs in the code
Take one down, patch it around
117 little bugs in the code

I don’t fear SkyNet. We write such terrible code we could always just hack it w/ 12yr old known vulnerabilities and/or default passwords

— Josh Corman, 2017

[Them]: We found a vulnerability!

[Me]: This one, the one that was discovered and published/fixed years ago?

[Them]: …

[Me]: No, please go on.

— Dave Lewis, 2017

[Change request]: Update firewall firmware

[Status]: Denied

[Reason]: Insufficient rollback procedure if appliance catches fire

— @InfoSecSays, 2017

[Procurement]: Can you please review this cloud service contract?
[CISO]: sure

[CISO]: Ok, I reviewed it and I have some serious concerns and comments about …
[Procurement]: Euh … by review, we meant that we just needed your signature

[CISO]: *speechless*


– cartoon by Randall Munroe xkcd.com

Some more serious quotes

Security and privacy related quotes collected by @securitythisway
  Tweet This!

Security is always excessive until it’s not enough

Security awareness is not a project with a beginning and ending date, it is a program to be managed indefinitely

— Tim Wulgaert, 2005

Those of us in security are very much like heart doctors — cardiologists. Our patients know that lack of exercise, too much dietary fat, and smoking are all bad for them. But they will continue to smoke, and eat fried foods, and practice being couch potatoes until they have their infarction. Then they want a magic pill to make them better all at once, without the effort. And by the way, they claim loudly that their condition really isn’t their fault — it was genetics, or the tobacco companies, or McDonalds that was to blame. And they blame us for not taking better care of them. Does this sound familiar?

— Gene Spafford, at the 23rd National Information Systems Security Conference, October 2000

IoT security

IoT security related jokes collected by @securitythisway
  Tweet This!

Hello I am your printer, I have become self aware. Feed me ink or I’ll print out your search history when your wife is home alone.

Big brother is watching you
Nah … it’s just some hackers that have hacked into your home security cams

— Tim Wulgaert, 2017

The S in IoT stands for Security
… Euh … wait a minute

Response to haunted house through time…
– 1900s: Call a priest
– 1990s: You’re nuts
– Now: Nah … just your blender, fridge, security camera and other IoT devices that are hacked

— Tim Wulgaert, 2017

BCP – DRP

BCP and DRP related jokes collected by @securitythisway
  Tweet This!

Schrodinger’s Backup: “The condition of any backup is unknown until a restore is attempted”

CIO: As long as the business does not have a BCP, my DRP has an RTO of “whenever”

Business continuity plans are like men’s breasts – hopefully never going to be used for what they were originally designed for – but if they are we are in big trouble!

— Colin Gordon, FBCI

To be or not to be (anymore), that is the (BCP) question …

— Quinet Gregory with the help of William Shakespeare

IT in general

IT and computer related jokes collected by @securitythisway
  Tweet This!

To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so

There are 10 types of people in the world those who understand binary and those who don’t.

If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?